90 Days

In 8 days I will pick up a 90 day chip! It is going good. Confusing at many times, but the outcome I always experience is good. Even my Husband has changed. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can help.

Thirty Day Chip!

Go me! I went thirty days without drinking a drop! I feel good, healthy and clear minded. I am almost ready to leave the house with my Sponsor, she is coming with me to my A.A. meeting to see me pick up the 30 Day Chip! I am astounded with myself! I cannot wait to go on with this program and see how much good I can pull from it! Also, I cannot wait to give back to another suffering alcoholic with in the program, as that will just fill me with joy and purpose!

Bye for now!

Going Great!

A.A. is going great! I have since realized so many things! Being an alcoholic can control your whole life. When you are one, you are constantly irritable and with un-rest until you satisfy that craving. You have to fix it with either alcohol or A.A. You might not even realize this behavior is going on with you for a very long time like me. I tried many things to try to drink like other people. Nothing worked and I was always unpredictable and never fully happy unless I was drunk. That is why I couldn't wait for the next drink, I wanted to feel good about myself and feel that I had friends and a life and that I was owed these little breaks from life. Constantly trying to convince my Husband that there is nothing wrong with going out like that and that it was my break. I was dead wrong! I realize now that if I kept going on like that, I would have turned in to a low-bottom drunk.... eventually.

It also never mattered how bad the hangover was or the negligent behavior towards my children, something in my sick brain would always justify it and tell me I need to go out for another round of fun. Not anymore, A.A. has given me the tools to recognize that my self knowledge about the way I want to live life is pretty much wrong and that I can re-wire my brain a little or a lot to say no to those old desires. Alcoholics have a very big ego and think only of themselves, not meaning to do it, but they do in so many ways. I have to deflate that ego! I have to fill that void with A.A. and listen to how other people like me fixed this behavior.

Today is my 20th day and I have been to 20 meeting! Amazing! These have not caused as big a hiccup in my life as I really feared they would in the beginning. If anything they have been a life saver of course! Tomorrow I am joining my sponsors "home-group" and am looking forward to it. One day at a time though.

My first AA meeting

So I made amends with my husband Sunday night, he could really see my apology and new I was sincere. On Monday I awoke rested and had a plan to go to an A.A. meeting at noon. Wow, A.A., me? I new it was probably a good thing, but I really wasn't 100% sure. My son and I got packed up and ready for he was going to have to be babysat by a close family friend so I could go. Thank goodness for those kind of friends!

Inside, I was really hurting, constantly thinking of my drinking and how I have been in a rut for so many years. All I did was think about the next time I could go out, either to a bar or a friends house party and get that  drink. For me, that "me" with a drink in her, was the only "me" anyone around me knew. Fun, social, smart and able to talk about anything! People liked "me"! The person I was at home during the day didn't talk to anyone but her children and husband. I didn't think anyone would like me and my nerves always got the best of me, which made me too shy to be a real friend to anyone without a buzz on. This limited me to only going out when their were drinks involved. I craved this environment to make me feel good.

I arrived at the meeting, it was in a church! I never go to church! Don't like them! Anyways, I put that aside, went in a small room lined with folding chairs, sat down and twiddled my thumbs nervously. The meeting started, volunteers read some things aloud and then the leader asked the whole room if there was anyone visiting or new. I quietly lifted my hand and said this was my first meeting EVER. They all said "Oh, ooh, welcome. Then the room took turns speaking aloud about there problems and solutions. A lot of them would directly welcome me!

Then I got the courage to speak up, "Hi, my name is ____ and I'm an alcoholic!???" I could not believe that came out of my mouth! But I believed I was, I obviously had a problem when I drank because I couldn't stop when I did until the bottle was empty or I was terribly drunk! (Drink of choice for many years: good Beer then, for many years, Johnny Walker Red with coke.) I said I was a "binge" drinker and that it was causing me to be so hung-over every weekend. That I needed to stop and that was it. The tears in my eyes and the swell in my throat stopped me from saying anymore.

Well, the people all said thank you for sharing. So I continued to listen and absolutely loved what I was hearing other members sharing. It might not have been my story, but I could relate. One person pointed out this thing in the program for beginners was to go to 90 meetings in 90 days! I was shocked, I really didn't think I could do that! I had so many responsibilities at home and that would be a burden on anyone I asked to stay with the kids when I went! I guess I just eased my thinking on that too much and was going to take it "one day at a time."

At the end of the hour, the meeting was brought to a close, I was told to pick up the white chip for a new beginning and some all of the women gave me their phone numbers and said I could call anytime. I swiftly got out of that room and walked to my car to leave. It was uncomfortable being around so many people and my brain was over-flooded with incomplete sentences. So I was no good to anyone in there anyways. Once in my car, I took a deep breath, fully accepted what I was doing and felt a little better. Yay!

My Epiphany

Lets start here with the beginning of my journey. Basically, I had an epiphany last Sunday when I awoke on a friends sofa, my cell phone ringing and it was 6:45 in the morning. What had I done, why was I not home with my children, how could I have done this.... again! Head pounding, I answered the phone, it was my husband. With the background noise of my little ones quietly playing, he says "get your ass home, bring  my car home and then you get out of here."

Now that all sucks really bad! I was in trouble at the home front again. I drove on home with alcohol still running through my veins I am sure. When I got there, he asked/stated, either you leave or I will (for a few hours he meant). Now let me tell you the plan for that Sunday at 3pm, family and friends where invited to come for our sons 3rd birthday party! You probably are thinking, how come she went out the night before and knowing her son's very special day was set, drank too much and will probably be hung over? Answer: I must not have the ability to only have "a few" responsibly.

Once home I tried to pretend that I felt okay, I was sorry, but okay, and I would make it through the day as planned. Other thoughts where going through my head though. I was thinking "I had a problem with drinking and I think I need to go get checked in to some rehab center and get fixed." I did end up saying that to my husband but to no prevailing action. I decided to be the one to stay home and so he left, saying he would be back at 2 or so to attend the birthday party.

Alone at home with the children, 9:00am, all I could do was put the young one in his crib to constrain him and convince the oldest to lay down with me in her bed and take a nap! I was so ill and couldn't function. That didn't go so well. Both children were wide awake and telling me over and over again to wake up and I just couldn't. I mustered to my oldest instructions to go call her father and ask him to come back home because I wasn't doing anything. He came home by 9:30 and asked me to leave the house, I simply moved to our bed, he followed and asked me again to leave. Giving up on me taking any action, he called my Mom and had her come pick me up! He told me to stay away for a few days and then he left with the kids to the park.

When my Mom and friend got one look at me, they said "I think you need to go to A.A.." I completely agreed for some reason. But first I had to sleep this hangover off! With much balling and self shame I awoke at my Mothers house that evening, had some great, deep conversations with her and planned my next move. The internet gave me the info for A.A. meetings and I said I would go to the Monday one at Noon. My epiphany was that I could not drink a single drink anymore.

I will end this first post here and continue from this point with the next post.

Thank you for letting me share.