My first AA meeting

So I made amends with my husband Sunday night, he could really see my apology and new I was sincere. On Monday I awoke rested and had a plan to go to an A.A. meeting at noon. Wow, A.A., me? I new it was probably a good thing, but I really wasn't 100% sure. My son and I got packed up and ready for he was going to have to be babysat by a close family friend so I could go. Thank goodness for those kind of friends!

Inside, I was really hurting, constantly thinking of my drinking and how I have been in a rut for so many years. All I did was think about the next time I could go out, either to a bar or a friends house party and get that  drink. For me, that "me" with a drink in her, was the only "me" anyone around me knew. Fun, social, smart and able to talk about anything! People liked "me"! The person I was at home during the day didn't talk to anyone but her children and husband. I didn't think anyone would like me and my nerves always got the best of me, which made me too shy to be a real friend to anyone without a buzz on. This limited me to only going out when their were drinks involved. I craved this environment to make me feel good.

I arrived at the meeting, it was in a church! I never go to church! Don't like them! Anyways, I put that aside, went in a small room lined with folding chairs, sat down and twiddled my thumbs nervously. The meeting started, volunteers read some things aloud and then the leader asked the whole room if there was anyone visiting or new. I quietly lifted my hand and said this was my first meeting EVER. They all said "Oh, ooh, welcome. Then the room took turns speaking aloud about there problems and solutions. A lot of them would directly welcome me!

Then I got the courage to speak up, "Hi, my name is ____ and I'm an alcoholic!???" I could not believe that came out of my mouth! But I believed I was, I obviously had a problem when I drank because I couldn't stop when I did until the bottle was empty or I was terribly drunk! (Drink of choice for many years: good Beer then, for many years, Johnny Walker Red with coke.) I said I was a "binge" drinker and that it was causing me to be so hung-over every weekend. That I needed to stop and that was it. The tears in my eyes and the swell in my throat stopped me from saying anymore.

Well, the people all said thank you for sharing. So I continued to listen and absolutely loved what I was hearing other members sharing. It might not have been my story, but I could relate. One person pointed out this thing in the program for beginners was to go to 90 meetings in 90 days! I was shocked, I really didn't think I could do that! I had so many responsibilities at home and that would be a burden on anyone I asked to stay with the kids when I went! I guess I just eased my thinking on that too much and was going to take it "one day at a time."

At the end of the hour, the meeting was brought to a close, I was told to pick up the white chip for a new beginning and some all of the women gave me their phone numbers and said I could call anytime. I swiftly got out of that room and walked to my car to leave. It was uncomfortable being around so many people and my brain was over-flooded with incomplete sentences. So I was no good to anyone in there anyways. Once in my car, I took a deep breath, fully accepted what I was doing and felt a little better. Yay!